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February 2013




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Feb. 12th, 2013

been too long

It has been like FOREVER, i think more than a year now that i've posted? At least it's probably quite close to it anyway. That's because I wanted to empty some frustration out here, n my daily life at the moment there isn't really room to empty that so i thought of this place again. many times I've thought about wanting to type again here, especially in frustrating moments, but all those times i thought "well, he's known me for quite some time now, shouldn't he notice such stuff by now?". But as it seems he doesn't...

so I'll just spew what's on my mind right now, especially because I don't have that much time at this moment (9.44 on a tuesday morning). I've come to a point in my studies that I have to do a bachelors-research, which is extremely time consuming and what I've been fearing for all my life as a student here. I always thought that that would be the final point where it could go horribly wrong, the researches done are not particularly easy and I'm not that particularly capable of those things. I am in great luck that my partner, with whom I do the research, is a really smart and nice guy and so far has helped me understood the parts that I didn't really understand yet and knowing that a lot of the research we're doin we both don't understand (we chose a difficult one, what can you do?). Still it's sort of nerve wrecking most of the time, especially when it finally came down to the first week of the research. It was now getting up every day a little earlier than I was used to (it's not that bad, but like I said, you have to get used to it.) and the days are quite long ('till 5pm-ish). You're working the entire day without many breaks, so it's tiring and stressful.

two weeks prior I had nothing, only relaxation time and some other small stuff I had to do. But I coudl relax from the multitude of examinations I had the weeks before. Most of them I passed (yaay!) but one I miserably failed (boo...). The last one is radiative processes, a course where most of the students actually failed. That didn't really make me feel much better when I failed that badly, because it meant that I had to do it over. Now, the retake exam is next monday, so I've been studying hard for it and my nerves are not doing that well on that subject. I hate the course, it's difficult and a lot of it I don't understand. And the extra part that I need need need a pass for this course or else I won't get my diploma doesn't help one bit. SO that's some extra stress on top of everything, and the time I can study for this course is almost only in the evenings, so I don't have that much time.
During last weekend I wanted to study a lot, but I was so tired that I wanted to sleep in a little so I coudl study hard the rest of hte day. In the end I was woken by the alarmclock of my neighbour which was buzzing HARD, at 8 am on a saturday. No, I was not happy. AFter about an hour i finally fell asleep again, only to wake up again an hour later when he slammed his door. The headache i had the day before had been coming back again, not waking up on your own tends to do that when I'm not feeling that well. I fell asleep AGAIN because I was so tired and only 30 minutes later he slammed his door again and this time so hard that it knocked over a glass from my table, I sat upright in my bed immediately. But annoyingly I was still tired....so I tried to wake up but my slight headache was torturing me. I got to studying at around noon.....and I studied up until aroudn 6 with a break of half an hour in between to lunch (and one later on, also half an hour i think?). After that my brain was dead so I didn't study anymore, watched a movie which wasn't that impressive (Quantum of Solace). Studying wasn't that easy that day because my other neighbour was moving, so was makign a lot of noise. It tends to disturb my concentration but it was only until late in the evening that I foudn out that it was actually him moving that was making the noise.
The next day I again started aroudn noon, finally I could get some sleep and slept till 11. sweet sweet sleep... then I studied again until.. about 6 again i think.

That evening, i got into a fight with M. I had been complaining about my neighbour making so much noise and that it had disturbed me while I was trying to study. The only thing I got back was that perhaps I shoudl get up sooner or study at times that he's not moving. But that would mean less sleep, which i just so desperately wanted.... or study later in the day (like: evening), but by that time my brain was already dead. The main point was, I just shouldn't complain that much, which annoyed e intensely. I am completely stressed out, have an important retake to study for, have this new experience called "research" which is time consuming and stressful and all I'm getting is "buck up". I didn't need that at that moment, someone telling me that I shoudl actually just work harder (yes, he said that). Since then my mood has been horrible, especially when he's around. I just don't need this right now.... when that exam is over I will be SO glad.

Jun. 20th, 2011

So what else is new? Nothing....

What on earth am I doing, posting right now when the thing I'm lacking the most is time? Oh wait no, that's not true, I'm also lacking motivation, a brain, concentration and a good mood.
Since that idiotic exam a week and a half ago I've been lacking motivation do to anything study-related. I've been ignoring everything that I should have done, ending in the fact that I now have to do everything in a way too short time. Yes, I could have seen that coming but no, I wasn't smart enough to put my own bad mood aside to actually get to work. I actually did cry myself to sleep if you're wondering.
Right now I'm taking a little break, I've been typing an essay for hours now and guess what, I have half a page. How many do I need? Way more than half a page.

My mood had been better for a few days, knowing that I didn't have to face reality for a little while made me happier and I had fun. But last night a had a few nasty dreams, one about what I'm constantly failing, my study. It was still early, but not even the fact that M was sleeping right next to me made me feel better. I didn't want to wake him just to tell him I feel miserable, because he already knows this. the first time he tried to ask me for an explanation why I feel so miserable, I completely closed up and it almost seemed as if I had ignored what he had said, what in fact wasn't true.
The second attempt also failed, I tried explaining it a little but after one comment he made I broke down and started crying. In the end I still didn't make it quite clear what was wrong, I just wanted to bann it out of my mind.

so to try to explain it here, because it seems I'm incapable to tell someone right in the face, I feel miserable because I think I'm a failure. Failing test after test, and now also the one that was so incredibly important. It's been going on since high school, I had felt I was a failure there as well. Since early grades my friends started leaving school and in the end I was left alone. Feeling alone didn't do well for how I studied, I didn't want to go to school, even though I probably didn't let that show that much. I complimented myself every day for going to school again. I studied badly and didn't understand a lot of what was going on, which lead to failures in grades. I heard time after time that I should quit on what I wanted, because it wasn't feasable for me. I heard that so many times that it irritated me so badly that always did what other told me wasn't possible. When I came here at the university I immediately heard again that it wasn't possible for me, I wasn't smart enough. But I wanted it so badly.
Now the failures are coming in a rapid pace after each other, and even the things everyone is saying is simple I had a hard time with. I feel out of place, but after everything that I've experienced here and all the friends I have here, I really don't want to leave again to start all over. I'm deathly afraid of that. I'm trying to ignore the reality that's staring me in the face, and it's extremely exhausting and also makes me very sad.
I don't find myself very smart, quite dumb actually. It's a reason why I question myself quite often why certain people like me in the first place.
The main point just is, I'm absolutely horrified of something that is almost inevitable.

In because of that aspect, I hate myself. For not being able to do things, for not being smart enough fro soo many things. I also hate myself for always complaining about these things and letting them get to me so badly. That always results in that I feel miserable and that M has to cheer me up or has to listen to my ranting/crying or whatever. Yes, that makes me feel bad because he chose a troublesome girl to be his girlfriend. Of course I don't want him to leave me, nor do I plan on leaving him. But it makes me wonder what he sees in me in the first place.

Well, that's quite enough for now. I'm in a public place and since my throat just started to hurt it means that I'm about to burst into tears again (something I've been supressing the entire day) and I do not need everyone to see me cry. I'd better get back to work....

Jun. 9th, 2011


There is a regularity in when I post...either I'm really happy or really stressed or i'm depressed. You can guess in which mood I am right now.

Today I had an exam, a really important one, one from my first year. The pressure was like really big, I need to pass it and I didn't have to get a very high grade to pass the course. But still, I think it's a really hard course and I didn't have a lot of time to study so I studied like MAD and put every spare time I had into studying. I almost had little breakdowns every evening, when I put down my head on the pillow I just felt, what's the point. I felt like I wasn't gonna make it anyway and I was extremely tired because of my back. Thinking about every move you make breaks you apart and because I was that tired I couldn't study anymore after about 21.30, knowing that I should because time was short. So this morning I was extremely nervous, I was surprised that I could eat at all (when I'm that nervous I usually can't eat). I had studied really hard and thought that I understood the questions that I had practised on well, so I actually believed that I might even pass it with a good grade.

Little did I know that I would screw up that exam that badly. I tried to keep myself calm, but I felt that my heart was racing the whole 3 hours and that my breathing wasn't really regular. I freaked out, especially during the last minutes. And I'm quite positive that I failed that exam, it was one of my last chances...well let's just say that it was my last real chance for staying here at my faculty and I don't know what to do. When I came back from my exam I was a little numb for a while, did send a depressing textmessage to M. But when I came back to where my friends were and they asked me how it went, I broke down. I know some people stared at me wondering what came into me, but I just plainly broke down. I'm having a hard time keeping it together right now and will probably have this feeling for the next couple of days.
I feel stressed out, even though that the next few days are not that busy. I can't calm down, my head is full of thigns and I'm in the mood for absolutely nothing. I feel like a complete failure.

I have some responsibilities tomorrow, so I'm afraid I'll have to go to that. But when I'm finished, I'm goign home and just....be dead or something. I try not to think of this afternoon, I have been trying to ignore it alltogether. It's not working.

I'm gonna cry myself to sleep now. Cya later.

Jun. 6th, 2011

Pain getting less

Well, the thing that is torturing my back still isn't over, but at least it has gotten less. Yesterday I got kind of desperate when the pain wasn't getting any less, I had to study like mad because I have 2 exams. Well, only one left because I made one today, but I still have that second one and that one is really important.
In the evening I was getting tired and was sick of the pain so I needed painkillers. The not so strong ones I had already tried and they hadn't worked. So I asked around of someone had some stronger ones for me (I needed Iboprofen, but didn't have any myself). None of the people that live in my house had any (I even had to explain to some people what it was, which made it quite clear that they didn't have it anyhow), so in the end I tried to call some friends and asked if they had some. One was still gone, the other couldn't pick up her phone and the last one did have the painkillers I needed, THANK GOD. She asked me if I was gonna cycle all the way to her place to get them, then I mentioned that I probably couldn't cycle at all and explained what was the problem. She immediately got on her bike and brougth me the painkillers, so incredibly sweet.
About half an hour I took a few of those pills, took a warm shower to warm my back and went to bed. I watched an episode of an anime and during that episode I suddenly felt my back relax. I immediately thought, the painkillers are starting to work! It was like heaven, suddenly I could move without a lot of pain and I could actually lie down normally and fall asleep. I didn't even feel my phone goign off when I got a textmessage! and it was underneath my pillow! I did wake up a couple of times, but I can live with that. This morning I could still feel the pain in my back, but a large part has subsided so I can actually stand up, walk around, sit down for a large period of time and I can even bend a little. So convenient when you barely take any medicine and if you have to take it one time it works really well.

I did have my backpack on my back today with quite some heavy books, and that was a bad idea, I do admit that. Perhaps I'm gonna ask if someone will take bring his/her book for me so that I don't have to carry it. A lot of people are suddenly so sweet to you when you're in such a situation. I know a lot of people who would help me out anyhow, but even the others in my house said that if there was something they could do for me I shoudl just ask. so that was really nice =) Someone from the faculty even asked me why I didn't ask someone in the first place to bring that book for me and I was like....yeah well...it was really early and stuff and I normally don't ask people these things. But I was so relieved it wasn't as bad today as it was yesterday, that means that I can study these next days and I still have a chance at passing my test on thursday, though I'm not sure that I'll be able to. But i'm gonna try my hardest and work very hard. I MUST GET THIS RIGHT.

And now I'm gonna study again =) for a few hours, then I'm quitting. Overworking myself is the last thing I need.

Jun. 5th, 2011

Hurts like hell

I wasn't planning on posting anything in the near future, I have like a trillion things to do. So why am I posting now in stead of doign those things? Well.... The problem is a little bit that I can't move that well, so it's a little problematic doing all the things I have to do =P I put a laughing smily there, but it really isn't that much of a laughing matter. I woke up multiple times last night, and the first few times there was nothing wrong. Though when I woke up around....8 am (on a sunday for crying out loud) I tried moving but I couldn't, every little thing I did hurt my back so badly that I couldn't move without letting myself die a little bit =P it really did hurt that much, I kind of fee like an 70 year old grandma who has to walk with a walking stick and still walks bending over big time. Well, that's me right now.
I had to go to the bathroom, so I had to get out. I moved a little at a time, but after a while I did have to get up. I managed to get up, walking was a challenge as well and the stairs...well...I didn't fall off, let's keep it at that.
I took some basic medicine (for the people who know me, don't be too shocked. Yes! i took medicine! now you really know how much it hurt), but so far it isn't really helping. Since the pain is in my back I thought that it was just the muscles in my back being annoying, so a warm shower should do the trick as well. Eh....no. It helped a little bit, so I can walk again, bending over is somethign I have to do really really carefully and sitting down is also somethign I have to do with caution. Dressing myself was also a bit of a challenge, you have to bend over a little bit when you put on your pants (you never really notice these things until you can't do it anymore...). I guess I have to wake up extra early tomorrow to be on time for my exam, it will take some more time to get out of bed and dress myself (thinking about it, what about cycling! that's gonna be hell. Hope that the pain is less tomorrow).

My back has never hurt this much, I hope it's less tomorrow. I do have to study today so that's gonna be a challenge as well. Isn't it enough that in a week I have 2 exams, one from my first year, so extremely important. I have barely any time to study for that one so I'm completely stressed out. M is gone for a week, so in a week where I could have used some moral support...he's not here. I can't rely on him all the time, I know that. And it's not as if I can't give him a lot of attention or that we can do somethign fun this week, I simply don't have the time. But a little hug every now and then in such a week would have been nice. oh well...it's no use complaining now, so I'll just have to make sure that this week will end in some good grades and that I can rest for a few days before I have another 3000 things to do. I'm gonna be soooo happy when vacation starts! =P

ok now i'm gonna relax for a little while and then try to study. let's see how that works out.

May. 25th, 2011

Yet another dream

When I'm at it, why not post another weird dream I've had. I'm waiting for my dinner to get ready anyway.
Sooo....I've noticed that when I have an alarm I sleep worse (not that I can stop setting an alarm, but it's an observation) and I tend to wake up around 5.30, and after that another few times. This morning I had set my alarm at 9 am, and I woke up at 7.30 (I woke up a few times before that though...annoying).
I had a very strange yet extremely cool dream in those 1,5 hours. So, my dream:
I was part of a team of 5 (I don't really know who the others were, I only know that in the end I saw a little creature the size of a...rabbit I guess, but the creature could fly and could use magic, and another person, quite large and also largely built). I do know though that I wasn't the teamleader, but I did earn a lot of respect and stuff for being the 'eyes' of the group.
In the world I was in there were 3 groups (like...the size of countries...), one which had the color red as its color, one which had orange and the group I was with had blue. The three were really hostile toward eachother and would kill if they knew who belonged to which group. So, like I said, I belonged to a team and we were trained soldiers of some kind who fought against those other groups. My weapon was a very, very large sniperrifle, one which I tend to always carry on my back or carry on my shoulder while holding the handle further along the rifle. The rifle had a visor and when I looked through that visor to take aim I could see to which group they belonged because I could see a little coloured spot on that person. That way I could easily detect who were my enemies and who weren't. I remember my team and I went of a few 'missions', where I shot a lot of people and stuff. Apparently I was a really, really good sniper XD Oh and by the way, I didn't use actual bullets, the things I shot with were more like...energy formed like a bullet or something. So I don't really know if I was killing people, but to be honest, I think I was.
But to return to things that happened. After a while we were at some kind of meeting of our own group, and since we were the people with the most experience and talent of fighting, we were there to give input and such. But the meeting was awful and we just realised that the entire bunch was corrupt. When the 5 of us were walking through a corridor and were about to pass a group of windows through which you could see a courtyard, which was also the entrance to the entire lot. A very large group of people were waiting there and they were all armed. I stopped the team and warned them for the group I saw. I looked through the visor from my rifle and saw that they were all red. We had already had some suspicions as we had noticed some junk in the corridors which seemed to come from new weaponry. I made a quick inventory of what I still had for weapons, and concluded that I didn't have much left as we were planning to restock after that cursed meeting. I only had 3 lightbombs, 5 large explosives I could launch if I took the effort of remodeling my rifle, which usually took me about 10 seconds =P Of course we realised that they were out to kill us (well, not only us) and we immediately tried to find a way out. The thing is we first had to go down a floor and even though higher ground is better ground, there were only 5 of us and ZOMG many of them. after some looking aroudn we accidentally entered a large room, like a giant ballroom but the large dancingfloor was one floor below and the floor we were was only some sidewalks. We were immediately attacked and I was shooting one person after another. The only disadvantage that I had was that if my opponents got too close, I couldn't shoot them anymore. I did have 2 handrifles, but then I couldn't see to which group they belonged. After a while it got waaaay too crowded around me and I had to get the hell out of there. I jumped down and used a little gadget I had which shot a very strong string out of a bracelet which hooked on a railing and I could tackle myself up. Though when I got up there were 2 opponents there, I did get rid of them though. After a while, every single one of them was gone. An image of a little girl in a room like we had been in but then with an open roof came to my mind, and then I woke up.

Now, how's that for a strange dream? =P Though when I woke up I was all pumped up, guess had some adrenaline rushing from the dream XD I don't know, it just was an awesome dream I guess.

Ok that's all for now, don't have much more to say. Byebye!

edit: to make M happy =P


May. 14th, 2011

Seeing in the dark

Yesterday there was an event I helped plan. We would go to a place where we would get tour in a church, but then it would be pitchblack and our guide would be a blind person. We all got a plastic stick and he lead us into the church, which really was COMPLETELY DARK. You know when it's dark outside but after a while your eyes start getting used to it and you start seeing some shapes and stuff. Well, there was nothing like that in that room, you could see as much as you can when it's dark outside and you have your eyes closed. It didn't matter if you had your eyes closed or open and we were told that perhaps it was better to close your eyes so your other senses would kind of take over. But I personally had a hard time keeping my eyes closed because it felt so unnatural. When I later spoke to other people about that they said the same thing, almost everyone had held their eyes open because keeping them shut felt so weird.
So we were walking with those sticks, I kept mine in my right hand, and we needed to sweep it from left to right over the floor and at the right there was an edge where you should tap your stick against so you knew it was there. You have to use your other senses, so use your sense of hearing. We were asked on which kind of flooring we were walking, and funny enough I got everything right. I could feel that after a while we were walking on grass, on wooden flooring, on stones, on those woodchips even on tiles. I impressed myself that I could feel the difference between everything. First we were in a park, there were trees, you heard some water trickling, we had to cross a bridge and stuff. After a while we entered a shop, there we had to feel what some things were that were lying on a table. It's so funny when you take somethign in your hands and try to feel what it is and then have to ask your guide if you're right or not. It's hard to explain, but you're used to see things and that you can identify things easier than someone who is blind, now you have to ask someone who can't see if you're right or not.
After the shop we came to a busy street, there was a path with those edges you find at trainstations and with the stick you had to follow that trail, which was actually harder than you might think. In the meantime I bumped into a bike and into a garbagecontainer and we all crossed a street. Listen to when the cars stop and of course the special sound the trafficlights make. In the end we went to a dark bar, we ordered a drink and you could go dance in a dark disco. Finding the exit was like totally impossible and we all got a little lost. In the end I was one of the first to find the exit and there was a little light giving away a soft glow, but even that soft glow was like a little painful to your eyes. I was like....can I go back to the darkness?! My eyes had to get used to the light really badly.

I also got to type my name on a braille-machine, which was extremely awesome. I found out that there is actually a logic behind those letters (when you know the first....6 or so, you also know the rest of the letters. Except for the W. It seems that in the time Braille invented this "alphabet" the letter W wasn't used in the French language, so it had to be added later on). Something that was also interesting was the fact that we weren't allowed to make even the slightest bit of light, so cellphones off and if your watch made light turn in around. Why? Because there were detectors in the building which responded to light. First I was wondering why, but later I came to the answer. If there is fire, there will be light. So in the event of fire, the alarm would go off and the fire department would be there in no-time. Quite clever =)
It was just an amazing experience.

Then a few little things:
- Today I went to the new Winnie the Pooh movie =) I went with a close friend of mine and we weren't even the only older girls going to that movie! =P Of course there were a handful small kids running around, but we didn't feel all that out of place XD the movie was really cute and just what you would expect from a Winnie the Pooh movie. Glad I went.
- M is in Paris this weekend! He had an appointment with some people at a university there to see if they had a good spot for him for an...I don't know a better word than internship. He only had that appointment for friday, but decided that while in Paris, he could go walk around as stuff as well. And you know, he's quite right. Paris is a beautiful city, so why not? He'll be back tomorrow =)
- Apparently there's a marathon in this city tomorrow XD I found out when they placed a first aide post almost in front of my door =P it's like a large container with the colors of an ambulance, it's especially made for events like these. I kind of think these things are cool =P but that's me.

Ok in a moment i'm gonna watch the eurovision songcontest final, so I'm leaving. byebye =)

May. 8th, 2011

Dreams and experiences

yet another post! Wow...it's like I have way too much time on my hands! =P
Anyways. I posted I had a nightmare a few nights ago. The evening after that night I was hoping so badly I wouldn't get another one that night.
Well, I can safely say that I didn't get a nightmare that night, what I did get was a really nice dream in stead. I dreamt I was in a garden and there were zomg many eggs around me. A moment later all those eggs had hatched and I had 130 ducklings running around me, which was like absolutely cute XD
The next thing I remember was that in stead of 130 ducklings I kept 7 of them (god knows what I did with the rest of them =P) and carried them with me everywhere in my backpack. I took them to class and stuff, sometimes letting them out and play and cuddle with them and stuff. Like I said, that dream was like absolutely cute! I was really happy when I woke up =P

On thursday I had made an appointment with my best friend. Like I had said before, we have that examthingy for highschoolstudents and she works there. Well, in the past 2,5 weeks she had been working there almost non-stop, only to be at the faculty like 2 days. Now she's in La Palma for a schoolproject, so once again shes not here. She had been (sort of) still been doing her job, but since she was just never at the faculty she did kind of not do some of her responsibilities. When she would be gone to La Palma, she had arranged that another member of our board would temporarily take over her work and stuff. But she got all mad at him for doing a bad job, starting too early with taking over and other things. At first i did sort of agreed with her. It's a hell when someone takes over your work when you know exactly know everything by heart what you already did and what you still have to do, after that you have no idea anymore. But later i didn't really anymore. Because she was almost never there, how could he know when to take over? yeah sure he didn't do a perfect job, but he did try and stuff. and when we had arranged to meet and chat that day, she said she would come by late afternoon, which is like between 3 and 6 pm. when at 6 I saw her sending email from the faculty I got kind of mad. She said she would stop by...pffrt. At 7.30 pm I got a text asking if she could still stop by. I answered that I had waited for her since 3 and that I did get a text message from M earlier that day saying that I could hang out at his place that day, but I declined because I knew I had promised somethign else. So no, now I didn't want her to stop by anymore, how stupid it may sound. She said she understood but that I could have texted her before asking where she was, but I thought we had set at time so for me that wasn't really a logical thign I coudl have done. Yeah...I was quite mad at her.

And now...for the dream I had last night =P I can't resist but typing it out.
Ok, so I was in an airplane with my mom and my brother and we were headed toward a small island. I remember that while we were landing I was surprised that the runway was so incredibly short and that I couldn't believe a plane could land there (the physicist in me sometimes even takes over in dreams =P). It did safely though. SO when we landed we went to a very large building and we were to meet a very important person who later appeared to be a princess. She was only like 8 years old though, a really cute little girl. But it was noticable that she had only known the life inside that building, she knew like nothing of how things when outside and stuff. When she held out her hand with the palm downwards (clearly meant to take her hand and kiss the top of it =P yes my dreams are weird!) my brother just took her hand and shook it. The girl tried again but again my brother shook it. He didn't realise at all that that wasn't what he was suppose to do until I whispered it into his ear XD the next moment we were on some sort of bridge, but at one side there was still a patch of green. On that "bridge" we could see a big city and also a carnaval that was at the edge of that city. My mom tried to be nice to the girl to show her things but she didn't accept that, my brother didn't even try as it seemed she didnt like him that much. I sat down on my knees and started with telling her what a ferris wheel was, pointing at it in the distance. She got all excited and I pointed at more things and explained what it was. It seemed as if she didn't know those things at all. then suddenly a rabbit appeared at that green patch. But something didn't feel right and I was wondering if it really was a rabbit. A whole line of those things jumped out and were now also walking over the bridge and stuff. I formed a little fireball in my right hand because apparently I was able to =P Then one of those things became very large and openly showed hostile actions. he was mocking everyone and saying that no-one could ever drain his magic energy and stuff. Though I stood only a few metres away from him and tried to drain his magical energy, just for the sake of argument. And I could, miraculously. His attention turned to me and he started to attack me, but I evaded by jumping to the ceiling (how on earth can I do that when there's no ceiling? well...it turned to a room...strangely enough. and how can I jump that high?) and clinging on to there. He attacked me again by...shooting fireballs at me and I jumped away over him and to the other side of the room. I had at fought back by shooting things like fireballs at him. And I had also noticed that the entrances had been blocked and were now guarded. I felt that my magical power was not that strong or that I was still quite new at it, but anyway I was getting tired and that THING wasnt at all. I fled to one door and that door wasnt blocked but the doors after that kind of were. I ran to a door that led outside, knocked, and the guards there let me out. I yelled at them that they should run away because the THING was following me. the door had led me to a stairway to the next floor and I ran halfway and then made myself fly to the toplevel. When I reached that there was a handfull of people there and I devised a plan with them to create a trap there for him (don't really remember what it was supposed to do...). I looked over the edge of the roof where I was standing to see if I coudl see the monster, and I did see him still further below. What I also saw was the staircase that led to every single floor and a few people running to where I was. I also saw an orange/green/brown sweater which I immediately recognised. M has that sweater...so he was here to help me out and also use his magic to make that plan work. We were there with like....10 people ready for that monster to arrive and to make our plan work. My adrenaline was all rushing through me...but then I woke up =P it sounds so stupid that this is a dream I really loved, because dreams where you are chased and almost killed are like dreams you should hate, but I could use magic, I could help people and fight that thing even though it seemed to hopeless because I was still new to that magic and still had to be trained, it was absolutely awesome....^_^ I was all active when I woke up. My day starts so well if I have dreams like that.

now my post has gotten ridiculously long, so i'm quitting now. nighty night for those who are gonna go to bed and byebye!

May. 4th, 2011

Bad night

Never got to posting yesterday, so I'll post a little today =)

This morning when I woke up, my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. The first thign you wonder, what on earth did you do tonight that made that happen? Well...I was sleeping....dreaming...and had a bad dream. Yes, even 20-year-olds get bad dreams every once in a while. I was lucky though, because I woke up just before it was going to get worse, and I know this because I can actually remember what I had dreamt.
The dream had only started, but what had already transpired was that the news had shown that there had been multiple murders and what was left of those people were only bones. I was absolutely terrified because somehow that person was after me (for some strange reason...never said my dreams are logical). I locked myself in the house which I recognised as my parents house, but my parents weren't there. My brother was at home though, in his room in the attic. After spending quite some time in the living room I was wondering why my brother hadn't shown his face downstairs for so long, so I went upstairs to the attic to go look for him. When I opened the door and entered the room I saw his chair at his desk, and all I saw were clean white bones lying on them. I screamed my head off but did take a step inside the room. When I looked around I didn't seen anything to raise any suspicion (besides the bones on the chair of course), I did see a large blanket covering some sort of loungechair. I removed it and saw my brother tied up and with somethign in his mouth so that he couldn't speak. I removed that thing and tried to untie him when he told me to run away right that moment and signalled to the other side of the room...where I suddenly saw that guy I had been so afraid of and who had killed all those other people. For some stupid reason I only panicked for a small moment but then calmed down when he walked up to me. He was after me...so...I would try to get my brother off the hook and also try not to get myself killed. That guy said that he wanted me do to somethign but I replied that I couldn't do that in the attic but needed the light downstairs, my thoughts that I might be able to run away because we would pass the front door. He grabbed my brother and then looked at me with a look that creeped the hell out of me. After that I woke up.

Like I said, when I woke up my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. I looked at my clock and saw that it was only 8.30, a time I would usually turn and go to sleep again if I could. Yet this time, how stupid it sounds, I was actually really creeped out and couldn't sleep again. So I just got out of bed, watched some tv and had breakfast. So stupid that a dream can freak you that badly =P

Later that morning I went to a bookstore and looked aroudn at the english fantasy part of the store. Usually that's not that much, and at this store that wasn't much different, though I find 2 cupboards not that bad. I browsed aroudn a little, looked at which title spoke to me and which cover looked interesting (covers don't say a lot, but when you're randomly looking around for a new book what else could you be looking at?) and when something spoke to me I got it and read what it was about. I had found multiple things that soudned interesting, but one cost 17 euro's, which I found a little too much. In the end I did buy a book (cost about 10 euro's) which was the first book of a triloy. The book is called Spirit Gate by Kate Elliot. I'll soon enough know if it's a good book and if I like it, I'll also buy the second and the third book, that'll be a good read I think =)

ok now I'm gonna tackle my dishes....the house has been lacking warm water for a few days and that's really annoying when you want to do the monstrous amount of dishes I have in my room right now. Clean dishes....yay! God I wish they were already clean....if there is somethign I hate it's doing my dishes -_-' but this subject is not that interesting so I'm shutting down.

May. 2nd, 2011

summary of many things

Wow, it's been like forever since I posted last. I've just lacked moods to type out what happened and stuff. And since I'm now like a month behind on things I'm not gonna type everything out, that would take me way too long and it's not as if I have that time today.

What I remember...I lost another chance for a room even though I thought at first that I had a good chance. I got called by a girl when I was working at the faculty and she said that the room I had been interested in about 2 months ago was still free and that I could take a look if I was still interested. I was like...eh...which one was it again? I sent messages for so many rooms, so it's not as if I can remember the exact room with the exact street. I was interested though, so the next day I went to take a look. In the end I wasn't chosen to live there, but I didn't mind that much. The room only had one small window and the lowest part of that window started at my chin. I talked to my mom about what I had seen and she said that perhaps it was better if I didn't take that one because I would probably feel claustrofobic in no-time. I agreed with her, the little time I had been there I had already felt a little locked up. I know that I'm also kind of getting the feeling of being locked up in my current room, so I just hope that in the VERY near future I will find a new place to live. Which brings me to the fact that in about 10 minutes (I typed this when it was 19.40 local time) I'm leaving to another place where I will be talking to the person who is living there currently and she will see if she wants me to get the room. The room sounded really nice, but I've learnt that the texts people place online can be really deceiving and that the actual rooms can be really crappy (or the house in general). *sigh*, I just hope that for once I get lucky at this =P my bad luck on this matter is unbelievable, and if this continues for too long I will have another 3 months that I can't look because then the first years will get their chances.

(ok I'm leaving now, even though no-one would notice if I just stopped typing and continued later on =P for some weird reason I just had to say it XD)

ok I'm back now, so now I can finally continue. the night was fun, I don't know if I got the room but I'll know next thing tomorrow.
Ok that's on the room-front (the collapsing front? =P whatever)

I said the last time that I had been invited to M's familyday and that I didn't know if I should go or not. Well, I just decided that I should go, I mean...why not? I was a little nervous and when his aunt and uncle asked me if he had explained anythign to me and if I already knew people I said that he had barely said about what was gonna happen (not that is was that...extremely special or shocking or anything XD) and that I only knew a few people. The immediately said that he was throwing me in the deep. I agreed a little bit but not that it was entirely his fault. I mean, I just don't know a lot of people in his family, but I already knew more of his than he does of mine. In the beginning when we arrived it was kind of...awkward. I introduced myself to a lot of people and every time it was...'and how are you related to anyone here? oh! you're his girlfriend! explains why I've never seen your face before!'
and because I barely knew anyone it was a little hard to...start talking to people and when M left to somewhere. I refused to keep walking after him like ... I was completely desperate or something. But you know....it's not easy. After a while I went inside to get somethign to eat (M and his cousin that I also know were outside) and suddenly M's mom grabbed my arm and introduced me to some people saying 'and this is M's girlfriend, and her major is astronomy!!'. I was like....eh...yeah....hi...but what does my major at the university have to do with this? XD But there I was drawn into a conversation where I didn't have to rely on others and was just happily talking to someone I didn't know. When after a while M came inside and joined the conversation he kind of took over and then I sat there again thinking...and now what? I'm returned to the situation I had before that I just can't....just butt in because I'm just too unfamiliar with things. I wasn't that glad that he joined the conversation...I never mentioned this to him though. That's just because I can't blame him for joining, it's his family so he has every right to. It was quite an experience alright.

I started to read again, I don't really know why actually. I guess because my friend mentioned to me that I like barely read books and I know a lot of people in my direct surroundings do read a lot. I've had a book in my cupboard for a long time that I've wanted to read, so when the Easterweekend arrived I thougth, oh well why not? I finished the book yesterday (sunday) and it was like 670 pages =P quite respectable for someone who barely read. But now I want part 3 of the series and it will probably take about a month to ship the darn thing. So I'll probably have to drop by a bookstore soon to get me a new book.
Then there's somethign that's been bothering me for about 2 weeks now. We have something that helps people from highschool to pass their exams and students give those classes. You have to be really good at your study and stuff to be hired and a lot of people I know work there. But it's frustrating that someone like me will never be accepted but when other people talk about it they're talking about things that I could never know. About people that work there and who I will never meet, about how things go, how the lunch is (it's bad apparently) and all those things. But there are stories and stories and they discuss it a lot, but every time they do...I'm just sitting there and can't join the conversation. I have no idea what they are talking about, I have no opinion about it and...well....I feel left out. It's stupid that this has started to bother me now, they've been talking about it for so long. But it's getting out of hand and I just feel left out. And that's quite a nasty feeling. Have I said this to my friends? No....just because I know that I dont think they'll stop talking about it around me, it's half their conversationmaterial -_-'

Adn then the last thign before I go to bed. yesterday was the day that I've been going steady with M (don't care if this is the right term or not.) for exactly half a year. I know that it meant somethign to me, he is my first boyfriend and it's like a small miracle that it didn't fail in a month or something, let alone already lasting half a year. I was a little disappointed that M didn't quite feel that way and didn't care about it as it does mean quite something to me. I did go to him yesterday, though he was much sweeter this morning (a).

I would like to spend to much more words on this subject, but that will have to wait for tomorrow.
nighty night!

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